VICTIM OR VICTORY?
I was one of those who lived in an autopilot mode. Wanting to do what feels like the right thing to do in my own life but held back by so many doubts, and following the stream instead –because of course, that was easier. And with the struggle I had, my days were consist of these two: the days when I piled up as many masks as I could on my face to face the world, and the days when I locked myself in a room not having enough strength to go out. At that time being myself and being true was the most awkward thing to do!
I let myself dwelled in my past experiences, my ego kept on collecting judgments from my place of dwelling so when I responded to things in the present moment my responses distorted. When it comes to opportunity in the future I became uprooted by my own anxiety. I was very skillful in being ‘reactive’. I wasn’t ‘responsive’. I was not responsible enough to make a clear judgments and choices that come from a clear mind and a sound heart; I am not being ‘me’. Instead they came from false beliefs inside of my limiting mind. So I lived not with the heart, it was imprisoned by self-judgment. At that time I felt like everything was against me while in fact it is only me who acted against my own self by allowing my stories of victimhood, pain and hurt to become my entire story. I have forgotten who I used to be before the devastation.
This point of realization comes after I joined a training in Bandung for 4D3N. Yes, it is Siaware (by the Will of Allah) that help me go through this un-learning process simply by showing me how to make that shifts; To make a shift from a judging mind to a loving heart. To make a shift from denial to truthfulness. To make a shift from my restricted beliefs to more empowering beliefs. To make a shift from victimhood to victory ☺
For me personally, Siaware is not like any other self-development training program. (It will always has a special place in my heart; its events, trainers, committee, participants, etc). The whole experience for me had been like witnessing the words of Allah in its events, in me, and also in another participants that brings me to a degree of realization about what human being is really capable of doing when they are being true to themselves and taking responsibility. Siaware didn’t taught me things, gave me motivations, etc. It gave me reflections –something I didn’t know I was desperately needed. In that way, Siaware let me learn from my own life and reminds me of the things I already know within.
This training showed me that my struggles matter, and of course they do. They have shaped me and led me on a path to being stronger, wiser, more empathetic person. But, Siaware also reminded me that I am not it. I am not my struggles. Because nothing about my victimhood is unique. My victimhood is perhaps the only thing that i and all human beings have in common. Because every person have all fought battles, and we are all fighting them, and will continue to do so. So what makes a person unique is not their victimhood, but their perseverance, is what make a person who they really are. So to discover oneself is crucial. To truly honor the Blessings of Allah through our struggles and fully submit to His Infinite Wisdom in creating each one of us very uniquely from one another and started being true and taking responsibility is maybe the first step to a profound changes in the course of our life.
And if I’m about to ask my own self in each moment of my life is:
“Am I using my free will against my own self?” ☺
And if there’s a lifelong reminder for me from now on is:
“Don’t ever again trade your identity of victory to wear a label of ‘victim’”
“…Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves…”
-(QS. Ar-Rad (13): 11)
The next Siaware will be coming very soon.
Are you ready to discover what is within you, and be the next SIAwares? ☺
Don’t miss this life changing journey!